see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
