I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
