I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I need a beard to bite.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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