What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
