you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
