put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
