that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
