it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
