apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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