Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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