omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
