finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
