tonight lets celebrate not being married
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
