apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
And then he peed in my hair
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