This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
