I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
