Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I want her autograph on my taint
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
