what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Randomize
