I just pynch a tree in the face
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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