I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
