Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
