birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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