I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
