Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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