She said her name was "party"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
