I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
