you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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