wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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