I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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