I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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