Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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