I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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