youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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