Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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