Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
