onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
