I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
