If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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