dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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