John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize