my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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