There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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