the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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