The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
