You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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