after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
