Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
