I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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