So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
