You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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