You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
