Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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