FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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