I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
