Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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