____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
