i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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