Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
