The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
