there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
