Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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