I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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