Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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