Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
